Sweet and Wrong
Skirmish: Fragments (@robinleaf)Liner Notes
I write with #fragments pretty frequently, so I was happy to see that as a skirmish prompt. I had a little something in my songwriting notebook from a writing exercise that keeps fragmenting when I try it — I get excited and write a lyric draft before I can finish the exercise.
#lyricsonly temporarily because everyone else is still asleep here.
Lyrics
Listen, the trampoline springs But you had suspicions of carnival swings That summer kept putting your hand in a stove One night there was drinking but nobody drove
You worry it like terriers It digs at you like spades Consider your chest, how it thumps away What does it say?
Take good dogs and tablecloths Make picnics on the lawn Kiss behind the ring toss Hold your breaths too long There’s something sweet and wrong Are you watching closely? Are your headphones on?
Run with your hope round the park Feel yourself chased by the day into dark Look for a somewhere to lay yourself down A someone who wants to be found
You flip it like a record It picks at you and frays Consider your chest, how it thumps away What does it say?
Take good dogs and tablecloths Make picnics on the lawn Kiss behind the ring toss Hold your breaths too long There’s something sweet and wrong Are you watching closely? Are your headphones on?
BRIDGE Just pause Just note the questions floating by Just fill your Nalgene up Just stay hydrated when you cry
Take good dogs and tablecloths Make picnics on the lawn Kiss behind the ring toss Hold your breaths too long There’s something sweet and wrong Are you watching closely? Are your headphones on?
Comments
This is exquisite poetry. I love it. I had to look up what a Nalgene was though haha.
Favorite line:
That summer kept putting your hand in a stove
Fiiire.
Please let me know when you put the music up! Thanks for attending my skirmish!
Thank you! I stumped a couple people with “Nalgene.” You’re not alone.
The chorus is precious. Amazing. i wish I wrote it.
That’s very kind of you; I’m honored!
I particularly like the 'good dogs and tablecloths' line. It really sets the scene for me. There's some great lyrics in here - although - as a brit- I had to look up what Nalgene is. 😂
Thank you! I wondered if “Nalgene” might be too obscure!
Those first two lines are on fire! So many other lovely lyrical moments as well. "Good dogs and tablecloths" distills a picnic into four precise words
I’m so glad you liked that. I really loved the way it sounded.
Wow. Such vivid details and the million starting points of anxiety, like shards of glass.
I appreciate the imagery in your comment! That gives me a lyrical idea!
The imagery here is great, very visual and yet still leaving some work for the audience. Good work!
Thanks very much for your response. I think that’s a line I often try to straddle.
A very intriguing lyric. I'm not certain on exactly what it's about, whether to take it at face value or as a metaphor, but I like the imagery regardless. Nice one!
Thanks! Some lyrics come out more linear than others. 🙂
That is a vividly written lyric; can see a lot of it in my mind's eye as I read :)
Thank you! I’m glad!
Wow, a great skirmish, the imagery is great and theres a strong emotional pull to the lyrics. Are you going to set it to music?
Thank you! I’m sure I will, but may or may not have time before the Sprint ends.
Very clever and imaginative take on the prompt.