While I try to puzzle out how to make music with my rapidly failing body, there's nothing to stop me posting #lyrics. In fact, even if I could sing without accompaniment I probably wouldn't, because I have a cold... or possibly 'flu, maybe even COVID. Hooray!

I mean, yesterday I tried to practice guitar and kept dropping it. Wow, I'm a virtuoso.

In any case, this is a true story. There are a certain number of people who seem to be waiting for an apology from me about something great and terrible that, as far as I'm aware, I never even did. The fact that they won't tell me what it is, and that years have passed with varying stories buzzing around and they've probably forgotten anyway (and I never knew what it was to begin with) makes it quite hard to apologise for.

This song is a generic apology for whatever it is even though I probably didn't do it.

The tune I had in my head sounded a little bit like "Five Poofs and Two Pianos" which Tim Minchin sang on the Jonathan Ross show over a decade ago with some inflections of "Lullaby for the Real World" by Mitch Benn, although eventually it turned into something else. You'll probably never hear it, though, because I can't play any instruments.

Boo.

Once or twice a day I think About the things I say and wonder If there is a way to make it through

Because

I sometimes realise that I have Been accused of lies and slander I'd apologise if this was true

But

I'd say that I'm sorry, admit every fault and flaw But to do that, I would need to know just what I'm sorry for...

Those throughout the times have sought to Accuse me of crimes and then they Warm people about me giving Others cause to doubt me

I've done something abhorrent and I Still refuse to repent, though I'd Find this easier to do if what I Did was something that I really knew

There's a mystery surrounding my transgressions It makes it pretty hard to make confessions...

So

I'm really, really sorry I just don't know why I'm sorry But you seem to know just why Because you're informed more than I

I'd like to know just why I'm sorry However hard I try, I worry If there's something that I've missed Or didn't get the general gist

I appear to be the bad guy I'm the villain, liar, mad guy I can't even go to munches Because all I'd get is punches

If you'd just explain my crime Apologising would be fine But you'll think of this forever So I'm sorry for whatever...

Whatever that you think I've done, I'm sorry about that It might be easier to ask, but you'll never do that Or talk me through the main events, but I don't need to know that Or just accept my sorry, but you'll say I need to show that

But I'm sorry, yes, I'm sorry, yes, I'm really really sorry Is that what you wanted to hear? 'Cause you never made it that clear You'd find me here admitting the evil acts that I'm committing And atoning for my sin, and somehow that means you win

And when all is said and done And the air is clear and free Maybe somebody would see fit To apologise to me...