Care Complex

by @brisk

Liner Notes

My mum has lived for almost four years in a "care complex", and I visit her fortnightly, for up to an hour. It is becoming increasingly difficult to be with her; however, to stop visiting her, merely because I couldn't sit with the discomfort, would feel like an unconscionable betrayal, regardless of whether she saw it the same way. I'm not sure that she would notice. On visits she is almost always perfectly civil, but it becomes harder and harder to find common ground with her as she becomes gradually but increasingly unmoored from the reality we share.

My increasingly frail father and I are simply walk-on parts in her life, a weekly, not a daily fixture. Her main companions now are the watchful staff who diligently care for her. They patronise her, but I don't begrudge them; I think I would too in their situation in order to get through the day. And she doesn't seem to mind. Because they are her constant companions I tried to make them a significant part of the music.

I haven't put a great deal of intellectual thought into this piece, I've more just been guided by feelings. However, I think the ABA structure is important. It is my journey there and back to see her every two weeks; it is a day in her life. It is also all her life - a bell curve, a rise and fall.

I began and ended with my voice. The droning chords at the start are generated using a violently autotuned version of myself. The last bit I added was the choral bits in the B section and finally the "ey ey"s in the second A section. I'm often disappointed with the words I put to my songs, but I quite like these plain, wordless syllables. I think there may now be a bit of a lot going on. But maybe that's not a serious problem.

#instrumental #electronic #pre-grief

Comments

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@mctown

Nice feeling....

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The notes really help you connect with the song. It’s a very cool soundscape in and of itself, but when you know the context it hits differently. Sonically, it put me in mind of some of the later Radiohead stuff, I love the combo of the portentous chords and the electronic twiddles. The way you’re using your voice here, as another synth texture, is super inventive and works perfectly. Sending love for what must be an emotionally exhausting time for you all.

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By itself, this song wouldnt do all that much for me, but with your description it added a great undertone to the piece and I enjoyed the dark, "unmoored" nature of it. There is a video my kids love which is about someone descending into dementia (music at the end of time, maybe?) and your piece brought that to mind

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after ten years, i still feel guilty about my withdrawal from intimacy with my mother during her decline. so this piece resonates with me. i feel that sorrow and self-castigation in the long tense tones, the difficulty of breaking into a reality that is too disturbingly uncomfortable to face.

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thx for sharing the notes and the song! taint be very fair sometimes. i like the way the music moves from place to place - sort of sums it up.

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I really admire this, the piping synth and the droning darkness competing with each other and the structural turns give a complex emotional texture that says a lot without being explicit - well done. In purely musical composition terms, I think it's so well-formed, but it's the emotional journey that really makes it for me. It's not "nice" but it is a thing of beauty. And I hope getting it out helped you in some way. 💛

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Thank you for taking the time to write out the background and really help us listeners into the headspace. Care homes for elderly loved ones are such complicated places to visit, I also know it firsthand. Huge hugs for what you and your dad are going through there. I really like the “B” section here and the longing it evokes for maybe the past or even a future that isn’t the same as the now

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I really like this. It is unsettling which perhaps paints the picture of discomfort you mention in your liner notes. There is a lot going on but it is also laid back. Lots of contradictions there I realise but that’s how it made me feel. Left me wanting more. Great track.

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That was a brilliant ride. Super production, the balance and depth of the sounds are primo. I feel your struggle. Life certainly presents its challenges. Nice channeling that here…Well done sir…

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