FAWM: "Eldest Daughter"

Eldest Daughter

1 day ago by @alyxanderjames

Eldest Daughter

alyxanderjames

00:00

Liner Notes

Yesterday I drove from Minneapolis to northeastern Iowa to say what was probably my final goodbye to my last living grandparent, my Mom's mom. (I have a lot of feelings about it and that might come out in other songs this month, we'll see.)

My Mom was a nurse for 45 years, but she no longer has most of those skills due to suffering a massive traumatic brain injury when she was hit by a pickup truck while crossing the street as a pedestrian at the end of February two years ago. Still, she's chosen to go spend some time taking care of her mother, who is 98 and getting progressively weaker. Some of this is because my Mom loves her mom, of course. Some of it, though, I think, is that Mom feels most comfortable in caregiving roles because that's what she was raised to feel most comfortable in. I have a lot of that impulse, too—I see a lot of my Mom in me these days, and how she's stepping in to help her mom feels eerily familiar to how I stepped in to help after my Mom's accident. This song is a bit of processing of that.

Wrote this one on my bari-tenor ukulele for World Ukulele Day! Didn't quite nail the phrasing on the third verse, but it is Good Enough for FAWM.

(Some important lyrical context for those who don't know: I am transmasculine / nonbinary.)

#Folk #AcousticOneTake #PersonWithUkulele #WorldUkuleleDay #FUC #SingerSongwriter #Family

Lyrics

I grew up the eldest daughter Of an eldest daughter Of another eldest daughter And there are certain expectations That are placed upon your shoulders When that's true

And it wasn't what I wanted And for a time I ran away But I still find I'm haunted By a role I have to play

Now I'm no longer a daughter But she's still the eldest daughter Of another eldest daughter And the weight of expectations Lies heavy on her shoulders Every day

Don't know if it's what she wanted But she hasn't run away And I still feel haunted By a role I have to play

Perhaps I'm still the eldest daughter Of an eldest daughter Of another eldest daughter But now I choose the expectations That I'll carry on my shoulders Every day

It wasn't always what I wanted For a time I ran away But I'm no longer haunted By a role I choose to play

Comments

@ggallagher 14h

This is so gorgeous and haunting. As an eldest daughter from Iowa who recently lost a grandma I can relate. ooof

@coolparadisoMod 19h

you can tell from your delivery your investment in this topic. Another lovely sensitive delivery!

@nwhosings 22h

Oh, me too. Another former eldest daughter. These lyrics carry such weight. That role is more haunting than I realized until I heard this. But the choice, the choice is where the freedom is.

@newukenewyork 23h

Daughter/shoulders is such an unexpected pairing, and it really works here. The song is also a lovely one with a sweetly vulnerable lyric. Thank you for sharing.

@orinthebard 23h

I'm right there with you as a former eldest daughter. In ways, I'm glad that I was raised to care about and connect with people, but I've also had to learn that it's not my responsibility to save people. Beautiful, heartfelt melody. This one's going to be stuck in my head 💖

@bethdesombre 1d

Yes, yes, yes, to all of this! (Eldest daughter here . . . .). I especially love the chorus (and am impressed by its change at the end). Such a tender consideration of a hard set of topics.

@haloquin 1d

Thank you for sharing this, it both resonates and is beautiful blending sadness and hopefulness.

@beacon 1d

This is so tender, fitting with the subject matter. You sit in the inherent conflict of the situation so nicely, and not trying to make it better. Well done.

@celineellis 1d

This is such a window into your world, and probably your soul. It’s so tender in the delivery and I can hear the rawness. Thank you for sharing this part of you with us. Also, side note, The Bari-uke is also the perfect choice for this.

@honketterene 1d

Definitely understand about the role of being the oldest daughter of an oldest daughter of an oldest daughter. Family is a trip. It takes us a long time to realize we can choose. Good song

@wynia 1d

I’m so sorry for your loss. In this song I’m getting flashbacks to attending the funeral of my mom’s mom and holding my 1 year old daughter in my arms. The songwriting and delivery are so, so beautifully tender here. I love the chordal shift in the B/chorus section. Hugs to you 💚